Facing the Loss of my Childhood
I've recently turned eighteen years old, which means I am now a legal adult. Yay?
Look at all the exciting things I can do now!! -
- taxes (gross but necessary)
- smoke (just gross)
- join the military (hard pass)
- vote (okay this one is actually really great)
I've simmered on this for a few months now, and my feelings about it have shifted from excitement to indifference, and now to trepidation. This sounds cheesy, but I'm feeling this way because I recently realized it's the beginning of the end for the life I used to live. Which, to be completely honest, is hard for me to accept.
I feel incredibly fortunate to have had such an amazing childhood. I had so much time on my hands to do pretty much whatever I wanted, and for every second I was supported by my family (to which I am immensely grateful, by the way. Words cannot describe how much, haha). But now I'm eighteen, and I suddenly find myself running out of time. I'm getting my first job in April. I'm graduating high school in May. I'm mentally and physically preparing to live somewhere other than the place I've lived my entire life.
I have to... move on?
But I'm not ready yet. I'm very much not ready.
Starting this new chapter of my life is great in a lot of ways, sure, but I can't help but think about what I'll be losing. The thing I'm most upset about? I'll never again have the kind of time I had when I was younger to be human. Learn and create for the hell of it, with no expectations whatsoever, without the constant nagging feeling in the back of your mind that you need to be productive, or be useful, or make money or something. That sort of thinking has already started to creep up on me, and I don't like it at all.
But it's not like I can just push those thoughts away, because that's what you have to do to survive in today's world. You have to work, and work hard, only to earn just enough money to buy the essentials, and maybe a little more if you're lucky. Even that's not so simple though, every step of the way you have outside forces working against you.
Sure, it's what you need to do to survive, but as soon as you become an adult and get your first job, your life of being truly free is over. You're now, for lack of a better term, "a cog in the machine", and I hate that. Everyone has so much potential but I feel like usually it's left unrealized, since nine-to-fives take up such a huge chunk of time.
Anyway, I guess I'm not ready to give that up yet, but at the same time I suppose I'd better just suck it up and face it head on.
I will say this though: one of these days, I would love to pack up my
stuff and move out into the middle of nowhere with [error: universe: person not yet found in this
timeline]. But I can't because that's just an
unrealistic living situation...
...right?
